For 20 years, I fortunately never had to deal with someone close to me passing away. I always knew that my grandmother passing away was going to be one of hardest, if not the hardest things I would ever have to go through. It has been almost three months since my grandmother has passed away and I think I am finally ready to write about it.

Grief is hard. If anyone has ever told you it was easy, they lied. It is so so hard and honestly I am very good at bottling it up. So, on days like today, it comes pouring out.

My grandmother was the most influential person that has ever been in my life. Growing up, she took me in as her own daughter and raised me like so. She was always cheering me on. There was never a day that she wasn’t there for me. Yes, we did have our ups and downs (especially when I was in high school) but at the end of the day… she was my biggest fan. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how much she cared for me. She demonstrated it by her actions and honestly by her gift giving as well. She loved to spoil the heck out of me. She made sure I had everything I ever wanted. Most importantly, she introduced me to Jesus when I was in middle school. She planted the seed in my mind that Jesus loved me and died for me. That is something I will forever be grateful for.

For those of you who don’t know, she struggled with so many health problems. Shortly after I was born, she discovered that she had heart failure. In 2002, she had a heart transplant that turned out to be very successful. That extended her life by so many years. I have had multiple family members tell me that all she wanted was to be able to see me graduate from high school. Because of that transplant, she was able to do so and survive almost three more years after.

It has been very hard for me to process her passing away but I have had an incredible support system. With my fiancé and friends and family, I couldn’t ask for better support. I honestly try to block it out but I know that I need to grieve and come to terms with her passing. After she passed away, the first few weeks didn’t seem real. I almost acted as if everything was okay because I didn’t want to acknowledge that she was gone.

Here I am three months later and I am at a point to where when she gets brought up, I almost break down. I know this probably isn’t the healthiest way to handle things but it’s the only way I know how.

The hardest thing is realizing that she wasn’t able to be there when I got engaged, she won’t be at my wedding, she won’t see me graduate from college, she won’t be able to meet my children. There are so many milestones that she will miss and that is so awful for me to come to terms with. But, I do know that she is watching over me and cheering me on like she always did.

My grandmother has passed and everyday I grieve. That is because I know how much she loved me. I know how much she cared for me. I know that she wanted what’s best for me.

This is such a hard season in my life but there is so much that can be celebrated as well. I can celebrate that she is with Jesus. I can celebrate that she isn’t in pain. I can celebrate that she lived a life to the full. And as Billy Graham has famously said, “Someday you will read or hear that Billy Graham is dead. Don’t you believe a word of it. I shall be more alive than I am now. I will just have changed my address. I will have gone into the presence of God.” That famous quote by Billy is something that I take comfort in. My grandmother is living in paradise and that’s all I can be thankful for.