relapse: a deterioration after a period of improvement

When most people think of a relapse they think of alcohol and alcoholics. But the concept can mean many different things. Wether that be alcohol, drugs, junk food… like it literally could be anything that you are trying to stop doing.

I recently had a relapse. My relapse was with my addiction to self harm, specifically cutting. (This happened from a result of ending a relationship with my fiancé.) I had been drinking. Like a lot. I am a small human being so it doesnt take much to get me drunk. That night is very splotchy so it is hard to remember things. During that time, I had taken a razor to my thigh and cut a few places. The day that followed I felt miserable. I was extremely hungover, my head ached, and my leg burned when anything touched the cuts. It was a day filled with a lot of misery and regret. I was mostly very upset with myself but in the back of my mind, I wanted to do it again. That’s the thing with an addiction, you like the pain. It is as if the pain feels good. I don’t remember actually cutting myself, but I felt the pain after. I wanted to feel the pain again. I wanted to experience the action of me harming myself and feeling the blade against my skin and seeing the blood come out of my body. I wanted the experience. Not just the pain. So, I did it again that night and it felt so good. I didnt tell anyone at first but I did eventually. The people I told hid everything sharp that they could find. Here is the thing though… I had hid a razor myslef. One that they wouldn’t be able to find. I did that so they would think that I wouldn’t do it again. Well.. I did it again for the third night. Then I gave up my very last razor and I haven’t cut in a few days.

Now that it has been a few days, I have no desire to hurt myself. The thought is still there but there is no desire. I have remembered how dangerous and destructive it actually is. I have remembered that it is not what Christ wants. I have remembered that when I hurt myself, I hurt my heavenly father and my loved ones. The act of me handing over my final razor was me handing over death for life. The feeling my friend had when I handed over that razor, had to have been the same feeling that Christ has when we hand over our broken life.

I was almost two years free of self harm and yes, I am disappointed in myself. But, there is no need for me to be. I am a sinner and I will continue to sin. I will never be perfect. Christ forgives me and welcomes me in with open arms. I am free.