Momentum is a conference held for high schoolers that churches come to from all around the country. Many different speakers are there along with the Jordan Howerton Band. It is an exceptional conference. I’ll just say this now. In the days leading up to Momentum, I did not want to go. I just didn’t want to. I was going as a leader with Grace Fellowship and I knew none of the girls who were going to be in my group. My friends can tell you just how much I was complaining. Well… that was spiritual warfare at it’s finest.

(For the privacy of the girls who were in my group, I changed each of their names in the stories that I will be telling)

DAY ONE

On Tuesday, July 17th, we left from the church and headed to Indiana Wesleyan University. When we got there, I already felt a little discouraged. I had very low expectations for the week. In the weeks leading up to Momentum, I was contemplating leaving that church for a few different reasons. So, my thought process was what is the point in me being here. I was trying to remind myself that this wasn’t about me. It was about showing these girls Christ to the best of my ability. The nighttime session was fine and then afterwards we had our small group time to end the night. I led this group with a girl named Rachel and she did an excellent job at allowing a space for these girls to be vulnerable. Day one was fine. There was nothing over the top about it.

DAY TWO

On day two, I wanted to start having one on ones with my girls. I started with a girl named Katie. The previous night during small group time she had opened up about a few things so I wanted to hangout with her so I could follow-up with those things. The more I talked to her, the more she opened up about her life and her past. It turned out she has issues with depression, self harm, and at one point she wanted to commit suicide. In that moment, I thought to myself… “okay God, what are you doing here?” (For those of you that don’t know, I have had a very rough history with depression, anxiety, self harm, and various suicide attempts. Mental health is hands down my holy discontent.) I was able to open up to her about my past and use my testimony to encourage her in the fact that it does get better. Towards the end of our conversation, she asked me to disciple/mentor her. I felt so honored so of course I said yes.

Later on in the night, we had our session and we went back to the dorm to have our small group time. As I said, Rachel did such a great job at getting these girls to be vulnerable. We went around in a circle and everyone said what they were struggling with. We get to this one girl. This is Abby. She starts talking and she opens up about how she feels suicidal. Those first two nights for her turned out to be the hardest for her. She wanted to die. After she said she was suicidal, a few people said some things and then I went. I was able to speak truth into her heart about how I had attempted suicide when I was junior in high school and that I get it. After small group time was over, I sent her a text saying how much I loved her, I needed her here, and that I wasn’t going anywhere.

DAY THREE

I woke up and wanted to make sure that I spent time with Abby. I ended up only being able to hangout with her for about 20 minutes. During that 20 minutes, I was able to share a little bit of my life with her and she was able to open up more about her own.

I was very excited for that night. That night was when Louie Giglio was speaking. I’ll just say that he killed it. Towards the end of his talk, he began to talk about suicide. He said that he felt that there was a 17-year-old girl in the crowd that had a plan and a note ready to leave this Earth. He kept talking and I looked over and one of my girls was sobbing. This was Anna and she was a girl who did not want to be vulnerable about anything during small group time. So, I was able to go over and rub her back. Towards the end of Louie’s talk, he had everyone bow their head and close their eyes. He asked, “if anyone here has a note on their laptop or in their journal ready to leave us, I want you to raise your hand.” I looked up to see if any of my girls were raising their hands and three of them were. There were a few thousand people in this room and there had to be a few hundred raising their hands. After he was done speaking and after worship was over, I went up to each of my three girls and as they were crying I was able to hug them and say to them, “I love you, I need you here.” As I said that to each of them individually, each one hugged me tighter.

I pulled Anna aside right after so we could go and chat. She was very hesitant on talking to me so I had to be very patient with her. She was able to tell me that she was suicidal and extremely depressed. That was the most that she was able to tell me but I was able to pray with her. We then went back to be with the rest of our group for small group time.

After small group time, I was able to talk to another girl who had raised her hand. Kayla. She was a girl who was very distant throughout the week and kept herself distant from everyone. She was able to be very open with me and I am very thankful for that. She explained how she felt as if no one wanted to be around her, she was depressed, and she self-harmed. She honestly broke my heart. She is a beloved daughter of God and has so much worth and value.

I went to bed that night in awe of God. In awe of how He was using my past to speak truth into the lives of these girls. I knew in that moment why I was at Momentum. The Lord had equipped me to handle those situations.

DAY FOUR

I was able to hangout with Kayla during the day. I loved being able to get to know her more because she is a girl who is very misunderstood because of her hard exterior. After I hung out with her, I got a text from Anna saying that she wanted to talk. So, I was able to talk with her after the nighttime session.

Before the nighttime session started, they played this video of Clayton King who is a well-known pastor, author, and speaker. He was talking about full-time ministry. For some reason, when he talking about that… it stirred something deep inside of me and I didn’t know why. I have struggled with school immensely over the past two years and every once in a while I’ll have the idea of full time ministry pop into my head but I usually ignore it. So, I thought it was so strange that I felt something so deeply. That is something I continued to pray about the rest of the night.

After the session, I was able to talk to Anna. She was able to open up to me a little bit more. She explained that she was in a very confusing place with her faith. She went on to explain that her brother has a court date soon for the possession of some kind of illegal drug. Her brother was the one who brought her to church so when he fell away from the Lord and into drugs, that really confused her. When she told me that her brother was going through all of that, I was able to make an incredible connection. My brother is currently serving a prison sentence for aggravated robbery and possession. So, I get it. I could tell in that moment, she felt so understood. I am so thankful that I was able to make that connection with her. I continued to talk with her through that. I eventually was able to ask her if she had a note and a plan to end her life. She nodded her head yes. I told her, “We can rewrite your story right now. We can go and destroy that note.” She didn’t want to. Nothing else really came out of our conversation but I made sure she knew how loved she was and that I was here for her.

DAY FIVE

Day five was our last full day at Momentum and it turned out to be the best. We spent the afternoon serving at a local nursing home. We were able to be the hands and feet of Jesus and it was an amazing feeling watching all of these high schoolers spend time with the residents there.

It was time for our nighttime session and Jeff Bogue was the speaker for that night. His talk was so raw. There was no feeling about it what so ever. A lot of it he spent talking about how hard being a pastor is. Nothing he said about it was attractive. At the end of his talk, he asked a few different questions and for each of these questions, he didn’t want anyone to make a sound. He didn’t want there to be any applause. The first one was him asking if anyone wants to accept Jesus, to come down and stand in front of the stage. There were probably around 20 kids who did that. I have never seen something like that. I have chills sitting here writing about it. It was probably the boldest thing I have ever witnessed. The second one was him asking if there is any sin that anyone wants to surrender to the Lord, stand up. So, hundreds of kids stood up. Now… this next question was a moment where I can say that I have never experienced the Holy Spirit as much as I did in that moment. This was a call for people who feel called to full-time ministry, to come up to the stage. He started talking about it and my heart began to race so rapidly. My heart has never raced that fast even in the moments where I have had panic attacks. Nothing compared to that moment. It was racing so fast that I almost began to hyperventilate. Then he said to come down to the stage. I got up and started walking. It didn’t feel like I had control over my legs as I was walking down to that stage. The Holy Spirit had taken over my body in those 5-10 minutes. After the session, I went back to where our church was meeting and I was able to debrief what had happened with a few leaders. I do not know what this is going to look like and quite frankly, I am terrified. But… I know that the Lord will use me.

We had our last small group time that night and it was just me leading it. Rachel had left a few hours prior. We were able to talk about our weeks and how God has moved. It was a very good time spent debriefing. Afterwards, we all hung out in the room and Kayla was a girl who would never hang out with us after our small group times. She would just retreat to her room. But, not that night. She stayed and spent time with everyone. You could see the joy she had on her face. That is just not something that would have happened earlier in the week. The Lord moved in her heart and opened her up to be able to connect with the other girls.

Around 1AM, I was able to talk with Abby more. She opened up more about her life and how she felt earlier in the week compared to now. That girl did a complete 180 in the matter of a few days. She wanted to live. She didn’t want to leave this world anymore. She wanted to fight. I was so overjoyed but I knew that once she left Momentum, the enemy would be right after her. I knew she needed to fight and I would be right there alongside of her.

Towards the end of my talk with Abby, I got a text from Anna. The text said a few things but all I really read from it was, “I want to get rid of the note. I just don’t know how.” When I read that, I almost started sobbing. After Abby and I were done talking, I found Anna and we went and talked it all through. She had her note with her so we got some matches. Then we went outside of the dorm and sat on the sidewalk and lit that suicide note to blaze. The smoke went straight up to heaven and I know that in that moment, Jesus was smiling down on her. I asked her how she felt and she said, “good”. So I looked at her and said, “I cannot wait till the day you can stand in front of a crowd of people and tell them your testimony. You will say ‘at 4AM on July 22, 2018, I lit my suicide note on fire at Indiana Wesleyan University and that is when everything changed.'” I walked her back to her room and as she hugged me she said, “thank you for coming to Momentum” and I said, “no, thank you for coming to Momentum.” As I walked back to my room, I entered the stairwell and I about fell to my knees and started screaming at how good God is.

DAY SIX

On Sunday we left and headed back to Pickerington. I did not want to say goodbye to these girls. Each one of them holds such a special place in my heart.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Momentum wrecked me. It completely wrecked my soul. The Lord revealed himself in such a new and surreal way to me. My past is filled with many awful things. I have endured a lot but that doesn’t define me. The Lord used my past to equip me to handle four out of eight of my girls struggling with depression. I wouldn’t have known what to do if I hadn’t had experienced those things myself. I am so thankful for my past. I truly am. I am able to be a testament to the fact that it does get better and that God can rewrite your story. It is hard but it does get better. When I was in high school, I desperately wanted to hear someone say to me that they understood what I was going through but I never did. I know how much it means to those girls that I understood them.

I was honestly very worried that I would be triggered by what these girls were telling me but I wasn’t triggered at all. The more they told me, the more I wanted to help them and be in their lives. That is how I know that this is what I am meant to be doing. I know this church is where I need to be. Grace Fellowship is where I belong. Satan loves to confuse us about churches and make us so confused and unclear that we never chose anything. So we never get a full experience anywhere. He wants us to never make a choice and we need to be aware of that.

Mental health is so important. It is an epidemic and it needs to be talked about. I am so thankful for how much it was talked about at Momentum. It tends to go un-talked about in churches. This is why I want to be involved in high school girls lives. I went through hell and back in high school so I know how hard it is. I am so incredibly thankful that I went to Momentum and met these eight girls. Each one of them is so valued and worthy and loved. I cannot wait to see how God continues to use me in their lives and also in the lives of any other girls who cross my path who think that this world would be better without them.