I was listening to a podcast today and I heard this term. It echoed throughout my being. This “doom loop” basically means being trapped in a never ending cycle where you go from joy to doubt to depression to reassurance to joy again. I feel like this is so true in my life. My grandmother passed away almost a year ago. It is still so hard for me. I honestly try not to think about it but I have been going into a cycle where about every month or two I will evaluate my life and my existence. I question everything. It is rather unhealthy but I can’t shake it. It has gotten worse. I feel like every doom loop something gets worse. I am in this loop right now. I am realizing something this time around. I feel as if when ever I get anxious or start to feel depressed, my mind quickly spirals downward. It happens so fast. Thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation and death quickly enter my mind. It is almost like a flip has switched. I always have to act so quick to counteract it. I don’t know why this happens. It just does and it kind of scares me. I am scared of me wanting to stay in the darkness. I am afraid that I won’t do something quick enough to counter act it. I feel like that almost happened tonight but I moved very quick to make it go away. Every ounce of me wanted to stay in it. I wanted to sit in the darkness. It took every fiber of my being to get up and do something to make it go away. I need help. I need to stop the loop.

It’s odd though. I honestly feel so close to the Lord. I am at a place in my life where I have never felt closer. I feel so deeply intertwined with the Holy Spirit. My soul thirsts for more. This loop that I have been in since my grandmother died, very well may be satan trying to get at me. He knew that this would be one of the hardest times of my life but little did he know the blessings that have followed. What’s funny is that the darker it seems to get, the closer the Lord feels and that is what pulls me out every single time. I am that Lost Sheep that he searched long and hard for. That is a passage that speaks volumes into my life right now. Another thing that rings true is John 1:5, “the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has yet to overcome it.” Man on man. That couldn’t be more true in these dang doom loops. It is hell. It really is. It is inhibiting me from doing my everyday activities and life when it happens. An unhealthy version of me comes out.

This also could be the Lord preparing me for battle. A battle raged with grief and pain. I don’t know what it could be. It may be what is to come in my life this summer. I don’t know but what I do know is that immense strength and power is coming in the name of the Lord Almighty.

—

Lord, unravel me. Tear me apart to become closer to you. I command in your name that the darkness lift. The enemy has no place where you have already made your mark. Lord, heal me. Lord, pull me in closer and closer to you through this. I know you are near. I feel you. I know your power. It hurts. It fucking hurts and I hate this pain. I need you, Lord. I know you will lift the darkness. I want to stop this cycle. This gut wrenching cycle of despair. I command healing in your name, oh Lord. I know you are good. I know good will come from this but it is hard Father. It is so hard.