It has been one year.

I remember sitting in class and receiving the text from Monica, telling me you only had a few days.

I remember getting up in the middle of class and walking to my car.

I remember walking into my house and falling to my knees as Lizzy asked me if I was okay.

I remember the ride to the hospital.

I remember seeing you lay there in a deep sleep.

I remember the nurse coming in to tell me that earlier that day you were saying my name.

I remember watching my family trickle into the room.

I remember watching you lay there while wishing I could hear your voice one last time.

I remember getting up to leave and Pappaw saying to me, “Ash, you should say what you want to say to her now.”

I remember walking into my house and into the living room.

I remember my friends all coming downstairs with donuts.

I remember being surrounded by love as I hear my phone ring.

I remember seeing Pappaw’s name on the caller id and knowing what he was going to say.

I remember not knowing what to say when he told me you were gone.

I remember feeling at peace that you were no longer in pain but also not wanting to believe it was real that you were gone.

I remember Mom calling me to see if I was okay.

I remember falling to the floor in my kitchen, into a pit of grief as I tried to tell her that I was okay.

I remember desperately needing Tom but having no possible way to get to him.

I remember being so overwhelmed before I finally fell asleep that night.

 

March 7, 2018 will always be a day that I will never be able to get out of my mind. It is a day that I will always vividly remember. I will always remember. Here I am and by God’s grace, I made it to one year without my best friend, my grandmother.

 

It has been one year since the weight of the world came down on my shoulders.

It has been one year since I was forced to make sense of God’s love in the fires of hell.

It has been one year filled with joy and sorrow that I wish you could have been with me for.

It has been one year of wanting to go to the cemetery but not being able to get myself there.

It has been one year of me constantly replaying what I could have done to spend more time with you.

It has been one year of wishing I could turn back the time.

It has been one year of transformation.

It has been one year of discovering who I am.

It has been one year of realizing that I wouldn’t be who I am if you weren’t in my life.

It has been one year since your pain ended.

It has been one year of being thankful for the 20 years, 10 months, and 1 day that I got with you.

 

Grief is messy. There is no formula. On days like today, I am grieving. Mammaw, you gave me a glimpse of the Father’s love for me. You took me in as your own when I was a baby and loved me with all your might till the day you died. Your soul was so beautiful and tender and I can only hope to be the type of woman you were someday. I cannot wait to tell my children about you. You got me where I am today and you fought so hard. You fought the good fight and you lived a life to the full while doing it.

I love you.