During February of 2018, I was in Seattle, Washington for spring break. I vividly remember this being a trip where I knew my world would fall apart when I returned home.

1 week later, my best friend, my grandma passed away.

1 month later I got engaged.

3 months later I called it off.

4 months later I attempted suicide.

5 months later I attempted to find beauty from the rubble and ashes of my life.

1 year later I was sexually assaulted.

It has now been 1 year and 6 months from that trip to Seattle. There comes a point where years and years of suppressed pain demands to be heard. It demands to be felt. It demands to not be pushed aside any longer. Over the course of my life, I have become a pro at suppressing the pain I have been through. An absolute pro, but some of the biggest and hardest things I have supressed began when I returned from Seattle. Over the course of the past year and a half, I have subconsciously pushed them further and further into my mind. I would acknowledge that I wasn’t okay, but I would never actually walk through it. I would just spend time with Jesus, make myself feel good, distract myself, and be done with it. Here’s the thing though, you are not going to heal from your past pain unless you are willing to take the steps to walk through it. That is where I am at right now. About two months ago, I realized that I needed to walk through it but I knew how terrifying that would be. I knew it would get worse before it got better. It meant facing the demons that I deeply locked away.

My walk with Jesus is far from perfect. It is so far from perfect that over the course of the last few months, I didn’t want to follow Him anymore. I didn’t want anything to do with it. I wanted to do what I wanted when I wanted. I honestly have a ton of bottled up pain but there are a few more factors that play into this. I was raped by a professing Christian, I was burned by a church I attended for five years, and I felt betrayed by a ministry that helped bring me to Christ. I developed this deep apathy towards anything to do with God.

To just show how done I actually was, I found this in my drafts from a few weeks ago…

I honestly didn’t think I would come to a point like this in my life. Where I begin to feel apathetic towards a God I know got me through some of the hardest moments of my life thus far. But I don’t know anymore. I resent him. I resent how a professing Christian whom I trusted raped me. I resent how a church I trust for five years, deeply hurt and betrayed me. A church, a place that should feel like home, didn’t make me feel like family. A ministry that I met Jesus in, deeply hurt and betrayed me as well. I don’t think I care anymore. I feel nothing towards God. I don’t feel that fire. I feel numb. Completely numb towards God. I may want it again. I may not. I don’t know. I know so much, I can quote scripture like the back of my hand but I feel nothing.

Moments like this can happen in our walk with Jesus. Following Jesus isn’t perfect. It is hard and it is messy. Honestly, it can be fucking painful at times. Especially, when you are dealing with an abundance of worldly pain. We must be raw and authentic with how our walk with Jesus is because I absolutely hate hearing how someone’s walk is perfect. No ones walk is perfect. We all wanted to run at times just like that lost sheep in Luke 15. I ran. I ran like hell. I wanted to walk away from it all but of course he found me, picked me up, put me on his shoulders, and now I am on this journey of healing towards home.

We live in a fallen world and we are forced to make sense of God’s love in the fires of hell. But listen to this, he is and always will be that fourth man in the fire. Sometimes it takes hitting an absolute breaking point and realize the only way you have to turn is back into the arms of the Father who loves you.

My point in saying all of this is that there is no timeline for grief. It will be felt when it needs to be felt. We only have one moment to live this life wether that be through heartache or joy so feel that pain. I believe there’s a beauty in vulnerability so walk through it. Don’t suppress it. Decide to stay. That’s where healing and redemption begins.