Recently I was asked by someone, “do you have a good story?” And by that she wanted to know if there was anything “happy” that I could write on here. The question really made me think and it honestly really challenged me. As I sat and analyzed my life, ever since 2012, there has been constant shit being thrown at me. I honestly can’t think of a year since then where something traumatizing didn’t happen. In the past seven years, I have been sexually assaulted twice, I’ve attempted suicide three times, I have been hospitalized on suicide watch, I ended an engagement, my grandmother passed away, my brother was sentenced to 11 years in prison (Now 16), and I honestly could keep naming things off. I have had people say to me, “you are so strong” and “you’ve been through so much”. If I am being honest, when they say that to me it doesn’t really resonate within me. I’ve honestly gotten used to it. It’s become normal for me to experience pain. It is very hard for me to imagine a life where it doesn’t constantly have shit thrown at me. That may sound morbid but it’s true. I am coming to terms with the fact that maybe I like the pain. It is normal for me. It’s all I have known for seven years. But… there is something that has grown within me because of the pain. I am able to see beauty in the things most people can’t and that is because of the absurd amount of things I have been through. Those things have forced me to see beauty in the mundane and in those small spaces. That beauty is the good within the things I see on a daily basis, it is in the people around me, and there is at least a little bit within every hard thing I have been through.

I see it when a ray of sunshine peaks through the trees.

It’s there within every crunch of leaves under my feet.

I feel it within every cool breeze.

It’s within every breath of air, reminding me that I am still here.

It’s within the waking up of each new day.

It’s the fact that I made it through the night.

It’s within every hug, every kiss, and every touch.

It’s in every sunrise and every sunset.

It’s in every hike up to that long awaited summit.

It’s within that first sip of a good cup of coffee or the first sip of a good beer.

It’s everywhere my friends. You just have to slow down long enough to look for it. I don’t think I need some grand “good” thing to happen in my life. It will come, but if I sit back and wait for it… it may lead to more disappointment. Whatever life decides to throw at me, whether that be “good” or “bad”, seeing the good and the beauty in the here and now is what will make this life count. I thoroughly believe my ability to do that, is one of the things that has kept me alive. It keeps me fighting.